Monty's Diary : July 2022
Guest Interview with my sister Maddie
Maddie. She's pretty, but very nervous.
Hello, Maddie. Now look, I know I’m your brother, and normally you don’t take any notice of anything I meow to you, but on this occasion, I’ve promised Mum that I’m going to interview you for the blog. So you need to stop licking your bottom and listen to the questions, OK? Right, here we go.
Firstly: As you know, I’m a very laid-back, contented cat, so I find it hard to understand why you get so stressed and worked up. Why, for instance, do you walk around the room in constant circles every evening meowing about nothing? It’s very annoying to me while I’m trying to get to sleep under the sofa.
Maddie Monty, unlike you, I don’t want to spend all of my entire nine lives sleeping! You are such a lazy cat, I don’t know how we could have come from the same parents. I walk around in circles in protest about being kept inside at night, if you must know, not that anybody cares! And anyway, it’s good exercise, actually, but I can’t expect you to understand that. You can just about summon up the energy to get up and stretch before you lie down again!
Well, that told me, didn’t it! OK, so maybe I’m lazy but at least I’m not a scaredy cat. Why do you always run away when I try to play with you? Am I really so frightening?
Maddie No, you’re just BIG! I don’t think you realise how much bigger you are than me. You seem to think it’s good fun to jump on me when I’m having a lie down, but it’s like having a dead weight dropped on me from a height!
So is that why you bite my ear? It hurts! And once, you made it so sore that I got taken to the V.E.T, and had to have horrible stuff put in my ear. Unfair!
Maddie So, how about you try to learn from that?!
Oh, meeOW! Right, I’m going to change the subject! Tell us about your favourite food.
Maddie Well, obviously, that depends on what day it is. I try not to be too predictable. As you know, we need a varied diet so it’s best to refuse a brand of food after a while, to see if the humans will buy a better one. And naturally I like to save a bit of room every day for cat treats.
Cat treats! Oh, yum. I don’t know why the humans don’t just fill our food dishes with them and forget about all the other food; it’d save a lot of waste. But on to more serious subjects: tell me, little scaredy-cat sister, what was your most frightening experience in all your nine lives so far?
Maddie That was definitely the day I got stuck on the roof. I fully expected Mum to climb up and rescue me. Everyone surely knows we cats are good at going up, but not so good at coming down. Well, it seems humans are no good at either! True, she climbed on a ladder and
offered me a plank, but it was still too far for me to jump onto the plank. And you were no help whatsoever, Monty, walking around Mum’s back paws, meowing your head off. In the end I just had to make a jump for it. I still shudder at the memory of it. I could easily have been onto my next life by now, you know, for all you care!
Well, at least you’ve learned not to get up on the roof again. I can’t think why you wanted to do it. Just the thought of climbing up there makes me feel tired. Now, can you tell me briefly how you would spend your perfect day?
Maddie OK, it would start with a dish of cat treats, which would be topped up regularly throughout the day. Then I’d pay my usual visit to the cats in the house along the road. I like to get there early while they’re still indoors, so I can pull faces at them through their window; but if they’re already outside, we’ll have a play together. I might catch a bird and leave it in their garden for their human to find, so that they'd get told off instead of me; that would be funny.
Then I’d come home, meow at Mum to brush me (lovely), have some more cat treats, then I’d climb onto Mum’s lap to stop her doing that thing she does with her laptop, and perhaps she wouldn’t mind me kneading her best jumper and clawing her arms. Finally, I'd get into the comfiest armchair for a nap, before you hog it, Monty! Perfect!
A lovely brushing session . . . A cuddle with Mum . . . And getting into the comfiest chair.
Sounds good! Now, apparently, I have to ask you if you have a long-term goal in life. Mine is, of course, to have a twenty-four-hour nap, but I haven’t quite managed it yet.
Maddie My long-term goal is to stay out all night. I’ve tried, but it never works, because before it gets dark Mum always coaxes us in for dinner, then she runs to shut the cat flaps and all the doors and windows. However much I promise myself to ignore her calling us, I get too hungry. And then, often when I’ve only had a mouthful or two of food, I regret giving in again, and have to walk around the house, meowing my displeasure about all the closed exits. Once or twice I’ve managed to hide outside for long enough to fall asleep, miss the dinner call, and get the humans searching for me with their torches – but if I hear them shaking the cat treat tin, I’m a lost cause!
It all sounds like far too much trouble to me, Maddie. You should really just give in gracefully and try to beat me to the sofa. Anyway, my final question for you today is: Do you have any advice for any new kittens out there? Any lifestyle tips to pass on?
Maddie Yes. Firstly, understand that playing with frogs is fun but they taste bad. Secondly, when you see the travelling basket, hide. It normally means V.E.T. If all else fails, climb up the wall. Third, if your humans start playing with balls and toy mice on the floor, it
usually means they want you to join in. Humour them, they’re not too bright and it keeps them happy. Finally, if your brother jumps on you, bite his ear. It normally works.
Well, thank you, Maddie, that’s the end of the interview and I can see you’re already fed up with sitting still for so long, and anyway I need to catch up on some sleep. Maybe you can interview me, next time?
Maddie No point. All your answers would be about sleeping and eating! But I love you really, Monty – apart from when you jump on me. I’m off outside now to walk round in circles again. Bye!
I hope you humans have enjoyed Maddie’s interview. Please don’t judge her too harshly, she can’t help being a strange little cat. She apparently got all the stressed genes from our Siamese parent while I got all the relaxed ones from the Rag Doll side. (I bet that was my dad, but nobody tells us anything.) I’ll meow to you again soon. Bye, humans. (Snore).
It's very tiring, giving an interview!